Battle of the Sexes, A Man's Perspective. Written in 1973 during an earlier imprisonment
by Tony Venuti on Friday, November 30, 2012 at 11:18am ·
at the bottom is the link to my Essay written, age 23. Wiseguy then, Wise man now.
The Battle of the Sexes, a Man's Perspective.
In the upcoming weeks in this new advice column, based upon understanding relationships among men and women, we'll discuss and answer problems people have in dating, relationships, and the social settings of life.
I will bring the male point of view and, I hope, the women's point of view into perspective, having encountered many problems amongst friends of both genders.
I will strive to bring an understanding of the sexes and an awareness based on compassion for others and their own selves for we cannot truly love others till we love ourselves.
I will seek to take away, to some degree, the egos in a relationship, or a social encounter that tend to fog up the reality of what's taking place and in turn destroy what very possibly may!
From time to time, I will concentrate on a particular letter, problem if you will, and devote some space in not only solving of the issue but of the principles involved in solving that problem so one may utilize said formula of a problem of a different sort.
The Battle of the Sexes, from my, a man's point of view, is one war that, in spite of its changing nature with woman playing a more aggressive part, will continue to go on as long as life itself.
Not enough of us have fun chasing or being chased by the opposite sex. Such a shame, because it is, and can be for the most, if like life, you don't make it a life or death venture. It need not be. Just like in other “sports” even the best team doesn't always with,…imagine winning every game…..How boring would that be?
In dating and relationships in general I've applied one principle that brings on positive re3sults in most situations. The foundation of this principle is something mother taught me since memory allows….”killing with kindness and “you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.” It was many years before I knew I was using it, and with success. To me, it is the very essence of the word CLASS! I don't mean appreciation of material things, or how you may or may not dress…what I mean by CLASS is simply enough the manner in which you behave when making an overture to anyone…MANNERS. Such a shame so many of us Men and Women alike, forget these lessons,…sometimes I wonder if they were taught at all…
If all of us had a better understanding of it's meaning, (CLASS) and the practice of it, how our endeavors of a relationship would exceed our greatest hopes, never mind expectations.
First of all, if we can accept in general, the theory that one person may not be right for another, no matte how acceptable he or she believe themselves to be to that person, doesn't necessarily make it be that they're meant for that person. If we can accept this theory, then we must practice it….
This is where man via his ego goes wrong. During a social encounter an overture to the opposite sex doesn't bring on the hoped-for response…what does he do, does he smile anyway, leaving the lady with a good feeling about himself? The smart ones do, but the high majority have to forget they're adults and start acting like a child, taking this reject as a direct affront to his masculine ego.
He responds in such a negative manner that it now becomes a cause and effect factor for women to be rude not only to the man she is currently confronted by, but also to the next unsuspecting man coming her way. One unfairness perpetuates another unfairness and before the night's out all you hear women say…Men, they're all alike. And, of course, the men are all saying exactly the same about women…so. the battle is not only unchanged but it is self perpetuating, a chain unbroken.
What is important for woman to understand is that it takes GREAT COURAGE for even the most confident and accomplished man to make the first approach to a lady. To reject ladies, is fine, after all this is what it's all about. But to reject without the slightest consideration..(even compassion) for another human being's feeling is no class!...Remember, Manners! Unfortunately the man who is rejected now turns on the next woman with the same lack of consideration before him had show him. One never ending merry-go-=round of men and women both feeling THEY are the victim.
One way of accepting rejection as a positive statement instead of a negative statement comes directly from the heart of self esteem One must say to themselves, well, it's OK if he or she does not want me…It's their loss, not mine. They don't know what they're missing, etc. What an enlightened change this would be to some who seem to take delight in adolescent responses.
I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want someone who does not want them. I would, if really interested in a particular person, find it more important in trying to make that person first want me on a human level, and then accept me on what terms are proposed. To have a person a
Accept me on the initial terms just because they were pressured and afraid to be rude, etc., would be an insult to me personally. I also see how this would be an easy read for a third party on the character of this person who wants acceptance at any cost. To be accepted on the same terms as a housewife accepting a purchase order of magazines from a high pressure salesman just “to get him off my back” would be demeaning to me an any relationship. A lack of high esteem in anyone who does not understand this.
Both men and women, I venture to say, exclaim that is IS THEY have the hardest part of social gamesmanship. With the exception that modern woman have brought upon the “game” not withstanding, I think we can agree it's still pretty much the same ritual…A man asks, a woman accepts or rejects via any flirtations of a lady may give to a man to indicate she is attracted to him.
The strong point in favor of this ritual for the lady is she doesn't have to develop the courage to make the first move' consequently, have to deal with DIRECT REJECTION.
Of course the flip side of this coin is apart from the various signals a lady might be able to throw out, she can only sit and wait for “the man of her dreams” to come over….and she just might wait forever. In the mean time she must fend off, unfortunately sometimes with a “straight arm” instead of manners, the men she has not desire for or interest in.
As for the man, it's turned around. Their advantage is they can choose, they don't have to encounter those who are distasteful to them. On the other hand their disadvantage is they face the very calculating risk of being directly reject by someone who they find appealing
So much is this a disadvantage, I can fairly say most men would prefer a knock-out punch. It puts a good majority of men standing around at parties and clubs completely stifled by the opposite sex from just one reject or even worse, a rejection from last week still fresh in their mind.
From personal experience I would say only 10% of men at a club actively engage from one hour to the next, the ritual of finding a dance partner. To meet a lady that say yes sometimes takes anywhere from one to ten rejections. I sometimes wonder myself how I can withstand that little voltage that comes when you hear, “no thank you.” But if the man has a healthy attitude with esteem he feels the lady that says “yes” was worth the ongoing ting of pain ones hears “no thank” once again. Men don't realize that the rejections are the encounters that give good practice towards the next “yes”..and I always remind myself nothing good comes easy.
As a man, I make it a point to compliment a woman who rejects me with consideration of my feelings, and perhaps with humor. The reason I do this is to reinforce her of the right way to act. To reward her with a compliment hoping she'll show the same consideration for the next man rejected down the road.
This could also lead to a consequential benefit on my behalf. Having doe this, I have, in effect “killed her with kindness” and maybe, just maybe, she'll have a change of heart about me, perhaps, …cause I'm not like “all the rest.” The more you “kill with kindness” the more changes of heart will go your way and this will reinforce and reward you, hopefully , in turn, create more positive reactions from rejections before.
One must not forget thought that the initial intent for “killing with kindness” was to reward the lady for her consideration of your feelings. If she doesn't have a change of heart, it's OK It is more important to be a “nice guy,” a gentleman with class than it is to be pushy with a woman. If the consequences go your way, fine, but remember the reason for the initial attempt.
It is unfair to say that all men go for is good looks. (Man's first question…”what does she look like?”) as it is unfair to say that it is monetary success that woman
Care only for. (Woman's first question “what does he do for a living?”)
A lot of what I say about a woman can be applied to a man and vice versa. For example, be aware of a man who is obviously self-centered. The same advice could hold true for a man whose girl believes the world revolves around only her.
What is important for both sexes is that personality and proper behavior by far will accomplish much more in the dating world than good looks alone. I personally guarantee a woman who perhaps is not the greatest looker, but is well groomed, who has an open, honest, pleasant personality with a bit of humor and charm will have more call backs, more second dates, less one night stand than any beauty with few other qualities.
Anyone who finds a shallow person, perhaps with just good looks going for them, enjoyable is just as shallow themselves, you can be our paycheck on it!
For me personally, women with good looks, who lacks personality are such a disappointment. Such women's favorite first question is “what do you do?” (translations: how much money do you make?) Second question, ”What kind of car do you drive?” (translation: the same). I mean I'd like to think there's more to life than that. If a woman cares enough about this man for himself she will find out the answer to all those shallow questions sooner than she thinks and probably without asking. Ladies it's an easy read….BORING
Much understanding must be given to so many attractive ladies who all of their lives boys and now men find her beauty so intimidating as not being able to realize that what they judge to be snobbery is really shyness perpetuated by men, themselves, own lack of courage to tackle her beauty and face the possibility of rejection.
Beautiful woman all their lives have been told, over and over again, since being a toddler, how beautiful they are. It's a pity but most of these women believe that's what life is all about. So it is no wonder why these woman want only,…good looking men. Of course, not all beautiful women are like this, fortunately.
In my opinio0on though it's closer to the rule than to the exception. With age though, these women soon start to learn beauty isn't the only thing. Aah, but like wine. that's the life!
For men to understand that being aggressive does not necessarily mean it's being push. Pushy is bad, aggressiveness is necessary. He who sits still and wishes, gets nothing He who goes out with the risk of rejection staring at him in the face has a healthier dating life. Be forward, be gentle, and adhere to the wishes of the lady that say, “NO!” She has as much right to say no to you as you do to come up and violate her immediate space/privacy. I say it's alright to approach a woman in any location, time, and situation' however, if you find it is not welcomed, respect that!
And so it goes, ..The Battle of the Sexes, and so it will always be. Regardless of who plays what roles, as long as the human element continues to exists…”Man's inhumanity towards man,” providing the most conflict… All we can strive to do is to …perhaps..rise above it.
The Battle of the Sexes, a Man's Perspective.
In the upcoming weeks in this new advice column, based upon understanding relationships among men and women, we'll discuss and answer problems people have in dating, relationships, and the social settings of life.
I will bring the male point of view and, I hope, the women's point of view into perspective, having encountered many problems amongst friends of both genders.
I will strive to bring an understanding of the sexes and an awareness based on compassion for others and their own selves for we cannot truly love others till we love ourselves.
I will seek to take away, to some degree, the egos in a relationship, or a social encounter that tend to fog up the reality of what's taking place and in turn destroy what very possibly may!
From time to time, I will concentrate on a particular letter, problem if you will, and devote some space in not only solving of the issue but of the principles involved in solving that problem so one may utilize said formula of a problem of a different sort.
The Battle of the Sexes, from my, a man's point of view, is one war that, in spite of its changing nature with woman playing a more aggressive part, will continue to go on as long as life itself.
Not enough of us have fun chasing or being chased by the opposite sex. Such a shame, because it is, and can be for the most, if like life, you don't make it a life or death venture. It need not be. Just like in other “sports” even the best team doesn't always with,…imagine winning every game…..How boring would that be?
In dating and relationships in general I've applied one principle that brings on positive re3sults in most situations. The foundation of this principle is something mother taught me since memory allows….”killing with kindness and “you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.” It was many years before I knew I was using it, and with success. To me, it is the very essence of the word CLASS! I don't mean appreciation of material things, or how you may or may not dress…what I mean by CLASS is simply enough the manner in which you behave when making an overture to anyone…MANNERS. Such a shame so many of us Men and Women alike, forget these lessons,…sometimes I wonder if they were taught at all…
If all of us had a better understanding of it's meaning, (CLASS) and the practice of it, how our endeavors of a relationship would exceed our greatest hopes, never mind expectations.
First of all, if we can accept in general, the theory that one person may not be right for another, no matte how acceptable he or she believe themselves to be to that person, doesn't necessarily make it be that they're meant for that person. If we can accept this theory, then we must practice it….
This is where man via his ego goes wrong. During a social encounter an overture to the opposite sex doesn't bring on the hoped-for response…what does he do, does he smile anyway, leaving the lady with a good feeling about himself? The smart ones do, but the high majority have to forget they're adults and start acting like a child, taking this reject as a direct affront to his masculine ego.
He responds in such a negative manner that it now becomes a cause and effect factor for women to be rude not only to the man she is currently confronted by, but also to the next unsuspecting man coming her way. One unfairness perpetuates another unfairness and before the night's out all you hear women say…Men, they're all alike. And, of course, the men are all saying exactly the same about women…so. the battle is not only unchanged but it is self perpetuating, a chain unbroken.
What is important for woman to understand is that it takes GREAT COURAGE for even the most confident and accomplished man to make the first approach to a lady. To reject ladies, is fine, after all this is what it's all about. But to reject without the slightest consideration..(even compassion) for another human being's feeling is no class!...Remember, Manners! Unfortunately the man who is rejected now turns on the next woman with the same lack of consideration before him had show him. One never ending merry-go-=round of men and women both feeling THEY are the victim.
One way of accepting rejection as a positive statement instead of a negative statement comes directly from the heart of self esteem One must say to themselves, well, it's OK if he or she does not want me…It's their loss, not mine. They don't know what they're missing, etc. What an enlightened change this would be to some who seem to take delight in adolescent responses.
I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want someone who does not want them. I would, if really interested in a particular person, find it more important in trying to make that person first want me on a human level, and then accept me on what terms are proposed. To have a person a
Accept me on the initial terms just because they were pressured and afraid to be rude, etc., would be an insult to me personally. I also see how this would be an easy read for a third party on the character of this person who wants acceptance at any cost. To be accepted on the same terms as a housewife accepting a purchase order of magazines from a high pressure salesman just “to get him off my back” would be demeaning to me an any relationship. A lack of high esteem in anyone who does not understand this.
Both men and women, I venture to say, exclaim that is IS THEY have the hardest part of social gamesmanship. With the exception that modern woman have brought upon the “game” not withstanding, I think we can agree it's still pretty much the same ritual…A man asks, a woman accepts or rejects via any flirtations of a lady may give to a man to indicate she is attracted to him.
The strong point in favor of this ritual for the lady is she doesn't have to develop the courage to make the first move' consequently, have to deal with DIRECT REJECTION.
Of course the flip side of this coin is apart from the various signals a lady might be able to throw out, she can only sit and wait for “the man of her dreams” to come over….and she just might wait forever. In the mean time she must fend off, unfortunately sometimes with a “straight arm” instead of manners, the men she has not desire for or interest in.
As for the man, it's turned around. Their advantage is they can choose, they don't have to encounter those who are distasteful to them. On the other hand their disadvantage is they face the very calculating risk of being directly reject by someone who they find appealing
So much is this a disadvantage, I can fairly say most men would prefer a knock-out punch. It puts a good majority of men standing around at parties and clubs completely stifled by the opposite sex from just one reject or even worse, a rejection from last week still fresh in their mind.
From personal experience I would say only 10% of men at a club actively engage from one hour to the next, the ritual of finding a dance partner. To meet a lady that say yes sometimes takes anywhere from one to ten rejections. I sometimes wonder myself how I can withstand that little voltage that comes when you hear, “no thank you.” But if the man has a healthy attitude with esteem he feels the lady that says “yes” was worth the ongoing ting of pain ones hears “no thank” once again. Men don't realize that the rejections are the encounters that give good practice towards the next “yes”..and I always remind myself nothing good comes easy.
As a man, I make it a point to compliment a woman who rejects me with consideration of my feelings, and perhaps with humor. The reason I do this is to reinforce her of the right way to act. To reward her with a compliment hoping she'll show the same consideration for the next man rejected down the road.
This could also lead to a consequential benefit on my behalf. Having doe this, I have, in effect “killed her with kindness” and maybe, just maybe, she'll have a change of heart about me, perhaps, …cause I'm not like “all the rest.” The more you “kill with kindness” the more changes of heart will go your way and this will reinforce and reward you, hopefully , in turn, create more positive reactions from rejections before.
One must not forget thought that the initial intent for “killing with kindness” was to reward the lady for her consideration of your feelings. If she doesn't have a change of heart, it's OK It is more important to be a “nice guy,” a gentleman with class than it is to be pushy with a woman. If the consequences go your way, fine, but remember the reason for the initial attempt.
It is unfair to say that all men go for is good looks. (Man's first question…”what does she look like?”) as it is unfair to say that it is monetary success that woman
Care only for. (Woman's first question “what does he do for a living?”)
A lot of what I say about a woman can be applied to a man and vice versa. For example, be aware of a man who is obviously self-centered. The same advice could hold true for a man whose girl believes the world revolves around only her.
What is important for both sexes is that personality and proper behavior by far will accomplish much more in the dating world than good looks alone. I personally guarantee a woman who perhaps is not the greatest looker, but is well groomed, who has an open, honest, pleasant personality with a bit of humor and charm will have more call backs, more second dates, less one night stand than any beauty with few other qualities.
Anyone who finds a shallow person, perhaps with just good looks going for them, enjoyable is just as shallow themselves, you can be our paycheck on it!
For me personally, women with good looks, who lacks personality are such a disappointment. Such women's favorite first question is “what do you do?” (translations: how much money do you make?) Second question, ”What kind of car do you drive?” (translation: the same). I mean I'd like to think there's more to life than that. If a woman cares enough about this man for himself she will find out the answer to all those shallow questions sooner than she thinks and probably without asking. Ladies it's an easy read….BORING
Much understanding must be given to so many attractive ladies who all of their lives boys and now men find her beauty so intimidating as not being able to realize that what they judge to be snobbery is really shyness perpetuated by men, themselves, own lack of courage to tackle her beauty and face the possibility of rejection.
Beautiful woman all their lives have been told, over and over again, since being a toddler, how beautiful they are. It's a pity but most of these women believe that's what life is all about. So it is no wonder why these woman want only,…good looking men. Of course, not all beautiful women are like this, fortunately.
In my opinio0on though it's closer to the rule than to the exception. With age though, these women soon start to learn beauty isn't the only thing. Aah, but like wine. that's the life!
For men to understand that being aggressive does not necessarily mean it's being push. Pushy is bad, aggressiveness is necessary. He who sits still and wishes, gets nothing He who goes out with the risk of rejection staring at him in the face has a healthier dating life. Be forward, be gentle, and adhere to the wishes of the lady that say, “NO!” She has as much right to say no to you as you do to come up and violate her immediate space/privacy. I say it's alright to approach a woman in any location, time, and situation' however, if you find it is not welcomed, respect that!
And so it goes, ..The Battle of the Sexes, and so it will always be. Regardless of who plays what roles, as long as the human element continues to exists…”Man's inhumanity towards man,” providing the most conflict… All we can strive to do is to …perhaps..rise above it.
http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/11/24/war-on-men/
a contrary perspective
http://hill-kleerup.org/blog/2012/11/26/suzanne-venker-is-a-dolt-battle-of-the-sexes-edition.html
a contrary perspective
http://hill-kleerup.org/blog/2012/11/26/suzanne-venker-is-a-dolt-battle-of-the-sexes-edition.html
